Wedding Etiquette

Here are some of the traditional guidelines of duties and decisions about your wedding. Remember: it's YOUR wedding - these are just starting points for you to understand, so you can address expectations, make agreements that work for everyone, plan details you might not have thought of, and create the wedding experience that YOU want.

Who Pays for What?

Unlike a decade ago, the lines are no longer rigidly drawn. Paying for the wedding has shifted in recent years from the shoulders of the father of the bride, to include the groom's family. Also, with many couples marrying later and having money of their own, they are sharing in the expenses. For second marriages, the bride & groom usually pay for everything on their own. Working out a budget for your wedding is one of the first things you should do, once the date is set.

There are no longer any hard and fast rules as to "Who Pays for What", but here is a general guideline to the traditional breakdown.

Traditional Breakdown of Expenses

Wedding Ring for Bride - The Groom
Wedding Gift for Bride - The Groom
Groomsmen/Usher Gifts - The Groom

Wedding Ring for Groom - The Bride
Wedding Gift for Groom - The Bride
Bridesmaid Gifts - The Bride

Bride's Bouquet - The Groom
Bridesmaid Bouquets - The Bride's Family
Mothers' Corsages - The Groom
Grandmother Corsages - The Bride's Family
Groom's Boutonniere - The Groom
Groomsmen Boutonnieres - The Groom
Usher's Boutonnieres - The Groom
Ceremony/Reception Flowers - The Bride's Family

Canopy/Carpet/Kneeling Bench/Candleabra - The Bride's Family
Rented Items for Ceremony or Reception - The Bride's Family

Invitations/Announcements -The Bride's Family
Wedding Programs - The Bride's Family

Marriage License - The Groom
Minister/Officiant Fee - The Groom

Church Fee - The Bride's Family
Musician/Soloist - The Bride's Family
Church Janitor - The Bride's Family
Reception Hall Fee - The Bride's Family
Catered Reception/Professional Services - The Bride's Family
Wedding Photography - The Bride's Family
Video Photography - The Bride's Family
Orchestra/Band/DJ - The Bride's Family

Wedding Cake - The Bride's Family
Groom's Cake - The Groom's Family

Napkins/Matches/Printed Items - The Bride's Family
Wedding Favors - The Bride's Family
Rice Bags - The Bride's Family

Rehearsal Dinner - The Grooms Family

Bridesmaid Luncheon - The Bride
Bachelor Party - Best Man/Groom's Attendants
Wedding Breakfast -The Bride's Family
Bridal Brunch - The Bride's Family

Wedding Gown, Headpiece & Accessories - The Bride's Family Bridesmaid's Gown - Bridesmaid
Maid/Matron of Honor Gown - Maid/Matron of Honor
Best Man Formal Wear - Best Man
Usher's Formal Wear - Ushers
Groomsmen's Formal Wear - Groomsmen
Gloves/Ties/Ascots for Attendants - The Groom
Father of Bride Formal Wear - Bride's Family
Father of Groom Formal Wear - Groom's Family
Children's Formal Wear - The Children's Parents

Limousine Service- The Groom
Honeymoon Arrangements - The Groom
Travel Expenses to the Wedding - The Out-of-town Attendant or Family Member
Accommodations for out-of town Guests - The Bride

Here's a different list, grouped by Payee:

Bride's Family

All Reception Costs
Church Fees
Groom's Ring
Invitations
Flowers for Church, Bridesmaids, and Reception
Music for Ceremony
Transportation for Bridal Party
Gifts for Bridal Party
Groom's Gift
Lodging for Bridesmaids, if necessary

Bridesmaid/Maid of Honor

Your own Attire
The Bridal Shower
If you're from out-of-town, your Transportation
Gift for the Couple

Groom's Family

Bride's Ring
Marriage License
Clergy /Officiant Fees
Bride's Bouquet, Corsages, and Boutonnieres
Rehearsal Dinner
Transportation for Groomsmen
Gifts for Groomsmen
Bride's Gift
Lodging for Groomsmen, if necessary

Groomsmen

Your own Attire
The Bachelor Party
If you're from out-of-town, your Transportation
Gift for the Couple

The Wedding Invitations

The core of a successful wedding invitation list needs to consist of people who know well, care about, and love the Bride and Groom. The bride-to-be and her mother should take into consideration the number of people who will fit comfortably into the reception area.

Wedding invitations are mailed to all those friends, relatives, and acquaintances who are invited to the ceremony. Your officiant & spouse get an invitation. Send invitations to your parents and wedding party as a keepsake.

With regard to business associates, the invitation should be extended because of the friendship, not the business connection.

For a home wedding, more discrimination is shown in the issuing of invitations. Intimate friends and relatives of both families are invited, but no casual acquaintances.

The Invitation List for your Wedding
It is necessary for the bride and groom to make out their guest list together. If the wedding is to be a large affair, the guest list will need to include not only their friends but the friends of their parents as well, along with business acquaintances of both families. If the wedding is a small one, great care should be taken lest the guests are so numerous as to overcrowd the church or home.

Mailing the Wedding Invitation
All wedding invitations should come from the home of the bride, even those that are for the personal friends of her husband (even if they are unknown to the bride.)

They should be mailed about six weeks before the day set for the wedding. Out of town guests should be sent a "Save the Date" card, preferably with hotel suggestions, in time for them to make travel accommodations (usually 8-10 weeks in advance).

Emily Post's Wedding Invitation Do's and Don'ts
Do's:

Do allow plenty of time. Plan enough time in your schedule to carefully address, assemble, and mail your invitations.

Do get organized. Develop a system for addressing and mailing your invitations. Prepare by gathering the names and addresses of everyone on your guest list.

Arrange each piece that goes into an invitation in a stack, in the order it will be picked up, assembled, and inserted into the envelope.

Do ask for help. Invite friends, family or bridal attendants to help assemble invitations.

Do use the names of all guests when possible. It is much warmer and more welcoming to use the correct names of those who will accompany your guests on invitations instead of "and guest."

Do use Correct Titles. It's flattering when invitations are addressed correctly. This means using appropriate titles and spelling names correctly. When in doubt, ask before addressing.

Don'ts:

Don't forget to include any appropriate inserts, such as maps, directions, or hotel information for out-of-town guests.

Don't include registry or gift information with your invitation. It is in poor taste to insert a list of places where the bride and groom are registered or a checklist of the things they want and don't want.

Don't use a standby guest list. When possible, invite your entire guest list at the same time rather than waiting to see how many people accept before sending out a second round of invitations. When the guest list is carefully planned, and when you consider the likelihood that 10-20 percent of invited guests typically send regrets, this approach is more straightforward than using a standby list.

Don't address invitations with labels. Always address wedding invitation envelopes by hand, even when inviting hundreds of guests.

Wedding Tipping

Tipping is a personal expression of gratitude for service given and appreciated. The question of tipping those persons responsible for assisting you in your wedding planning is one of obvious importance and concern.

Catering & Servers: Gratuities are almost always added into the final bill, whether you hire a private catering company or use one of the finest hotel facilities. The question has been asked, "Is it proper to tip the servers, when I have already paid a gratuity in my contracted price?" The answer is, of course, "tipping has always been a personal expression of gratitude for service given and appreciated." For instance, if a particular server spent his evening providing you service over and above your expectations, and you choose to give that individual a "tip," that choice is entirely up to you. It should be given for extra special services only. It is not required, as the gratuity has already been paid. The customary amount would be up to 15%.

Others falling into the above category, include catering managers, hotel banquet managers, waiters, waitresses, bartenders, and bridal consultants. Tipping a hostess or captain would fall in the 1% to 2% range. Remember, this has already been added to your final bill and additional tipping is just that. Additional tipping!

Coat Room Attendants: It is customary to give fifty cents per guest. However, it may be to your advantage to arrange for a flat fee prior to the event.

Limousine Driver: A tip of 15% is the appropriate amount to be given to your limo driver. Be sure to read your contract, as the tip has often already been added into the final bill.

Florists, Photographers, Bakers, Musicians: Tipping only for extra special services, up to 15%.

Civil Ceremony Officials: (Judge, Justice of the Peace, City Clerk) In years gone by, it was considered improper to "ask" a set fee for services rendered. However, today, you may find a "suggested" donation for those in public service. In a recent survey, it was found the average gratuity was between $50 and $75. If travel is involved, an additional gratuity is expected.

Ministers, Rabbis, Priests: Most officiants have a set fee for their services. In cases where clergy provide their services on a donation basis, no less than a $75 donation is considered proper and it is rare to find anyone giving less than a $100 gratuity to the wedding officiant. This donation should be given to the best man prior to the ceremony, and he will then give it to the officiant. If travel is involved, an additional gratuity is expected.

Organist and Musician: Fees for church organist and musicians are sometimes included in the rental fee for the church. When this is not the case, in a recent survey, the average was $50 for each person. When the organist and musician (soloist) are close friends of the couple or family, the gratuity averaged $75.

Other Festivities - who to invite

Engagement parties: Guests invited to the engagement party are also customarily invited to the wedding. For this reason, it's often best to limit the engagement party guest list, inviting only those you're sure will be invited to the wedding.

Showers: Close female friends and relatives of the bride, or, if it's a Jack and Jill shower, close friends and relatives of the bride and groom

Bachelorette parties: Close female friend and family of the bride --usually those closer to her in age, though moms and aunts have been known to make appearances. If the gathering is co-ed, close friends and family of both the bride and groom are invited.

General wedding-week parties: Anyone in town, of the bride and groom's choosing.

Bridesmaids' party/groomsmen's dinner: The bride, her bridesmaids, and sometimes the mother; the groom, his groomsmen, and sometimes his dad.

Rehearsal dinner: The parents & their spouses, siblings & their spouses, and any children of the bride and groom; their attendants; and the officiant. More guests, including other relatives, close friends, and out-of-town wedding guests can be invited at the discretion of the couple (and as budget allows).

Reception: Usually, everyone who was invited to the wedding. If you choose to invite only a select group, be discreet when extending invitations.

WHEN IT'S THE BRIDE'S SECOND MARRIAGE

If you've been married before or have children it's perfectly acceptable to wear white.

If you've been married before or have children, you're not supposed to wear a veil or have a train attached to your dress or carry orange blossoms. (Must be a sign of purity or virginity thing).

The second time around, your parents are not obligated to pay for anything.

If you get along with your ex-husband and his family and it's fine with your fiancé, then it's acceptable to invite them to the wedding.

IF YOU CANCEL OR POSTPONE THE WEDDING

You're supposed to return the engagement ring
You have to send back all the gifts with a brief explanation why it was cancelled. (So don't use anything until you say, "I do".)
It's written that if a gift is engraved or personalized, you don't have to return it.
Don't speak poorly of your ex because somewhere down the line you might get back together.
You should inform out-of-town guests first so that they can change or cancel their travel and lodging arrangements.
If you're postponing your wedding, of course every guest has to be contacted. Etiquette pros say that you have to send another invitation with the new date.

Traditional Responsibilities of the Mother of the Groom

Initiate contact between the families. Introducing herself and her husband to the bride's parents is her first responsibility. This may be as simple as making a call to the bride's mother and telling her how happy she is about the engagement or an informal invitation to dinner at their home. If preferred, dinner at a nice restaurant is always in order. This may be with or without the couple in attendance. If the parents live far away, a friendly letter is appropriate. A snapshot of the family and maybe even one of her son as a small child is always welcomed by the bride's mother and is a kind gesture.

Provide an accurate and timely guest list that sticks to the guidelines about how many guests she may invite. Include full addresses with zip codes.
The bride's mother will first select a dress for her daughters wedding. A dress of complimentary color and similar styling is then chosen by the mother of the groom. She should wear long if the bride's mother wears long, or short if she wears short. The color should not match the bridesmaids, nor the brides' mother, but compliment both.
Reservations for out-of-town guests, invited by the groom's family, are the responsibility of the mother of the groom. It will be much more convenient if a block of rooms are reserved at a nearby hotel, which is near her home.
The groom's parents host the rehearsal dinner. This can be as simple as a potluck with paper plates in the backyard or as elaborate as an exotic dinner with live entertainment in the finest restaurant. Everyone who takes a part in the ceremony is invited to the dinner. It is proper etiquette to invite the spouse or significant other of those participating, and the parents of any children in the wedding.
Arrive at least one hour before the time of the wedding. Arrive earlier if family photographs are scheduled prior to the wedding.
Seating: As the wedding begins, the groom's mother will be escorted down the aisle, to the first pew, right-hand side, by the head usher or a groomsman who is a family member. A nice touch includes the groom escorting his mother down the aisle. As the groom's mother is escorted to her seat, her husband will follow along behind. However, if the parents are divorced, the father of the groom will have been seated previously, two pews behind the mother.
The role as mother of the groom, in the ceremony, may include lighting a family candle on the altar, along with the mother of the bride. Family candles are lit after the candle lighters have left the altar area, and prior to the entrance of the wedding party.
Stand in the receiving line to greet guests and introduce her friends and family to the bride and her family. Traditionally she stands between the bride and her mother. If the fathers of the couple choose to stand in the line, she will stand between them.

Be familiar with the responsibilities of the Maid of Honor. You may want to have a conversation with the Maid of Honor to coordinate and avoid stepping on each other's toes.

Traditional Responsibilities of the Mother of the Bride

The Primary responsibility of the Mother of the Bride is to see that the bride's wishes are carried out the bride's way. It will be your responsibility to help the bride plan her wedding with her tastes in mind…not yours, unless, it is the true desire of the bride to "let mom run things." Here are your primary responsibilities:

Help the bride select her wedding attire. Remember, this is not your wedding. If you find yourself talking the bride out of a gown she loves, you may be overreaching.

Help the bride and groom decide on a wedding budget. Settling money issues upfront is always best. A good clear budget will help everyone with their expectations.

In the event that the Mother of the Groom does not contact you, you will make the first contact.

See that the guest lists are put together. The invitations must be ordered as soon as possible, and the guest list will be critical in making your invitation order.

Reservations for out-of-town guests, invited by the bride's family, are the responsibility of the mother of the bride. It will be much more convenient if a block of rooms are reserved at a nearby hotel, which is near her home.

Choose your gown for the wedding day. Immediately tell the Mother of the Groom the colors and style so that she may begin looking for a complimentary gown. Send a swatch of material to the Mother of Groom if possible.

See that instructions for the actual ceremony are given. This includes the seating schedule and the receiving line at reception, as well as any special touches the bride may choose to have at her wedding.

The role as mother of the bride, in the ceremony, may include lighting the family candle on the altar, along with the mother of the groom. Family candles are lit after the candle lighters have left the altar area, and prior to the entrance of the wedding party.

Find a trusted friend or family member who is not in the wedding party to assist you throughout the wedding. You are the hostess for the entire event! Find someone who will help you with some of the details…sometimes a professional is best.

Be familiar with the responsibilities of the Maid of Honor. You may want to have a conversation with the Maid of Honor to coordinate and avoid stepping on each other's toes.

Maid of Honor's responsibilities

Attend all prenuptial parties.
Help address invitations and announcements.

Host a party for the bride and groom…if possible. This could be a Couple's Shower.

Assist bride with going away clothes and luggage.
Be sure that bridesmaids are kept aware of their fitting appointments, rehearsal obligations and any special duties that the bride may wish for them to do.
Arrange with a florist for a supply of rose petals to shower on the bride and groom as they leave. If a flower girl is in the party, the Maid of Honor is responsible to see that the child knows when and how to do this.
Arrive early enough to help with bride and bridesmaids with dressing (at least 2 hours early).
Remind the best man which ladies will be wearing their flowers (Mother, grandmothers, organist, soloist, hostesses, etc.).
Assist bride with her train during ceremony and in the receiving line.
Hold the bride's wedding bouquet for the exchange of rings during the ceremony and hand it back just before the recessional.
In a double ring ceremony, carry the groom's ring until it is time to hand it to the minister.
Assist the photographer with identification of the members of the bridal party and later for pictures, which are taken at the church and reception. Be sure to find the kind of candid shots the bride may want of the out-of-town guests. Be certain the photographer has taken an appropriate number of these candid shots.
Witness and sign the marriage certificate after the ceremony.
Stand in the receiving line. The traditional place to stand is at the groom's left side with her bridesmaids to her left.
Assist the bride when she changes into her going away ensemble.
With the best man, help the couple depart.
See that the bride's gown is taken care of according to her wishes. Usually taken to the bride's home or to a cleaner.

Remember, this is the bride's day. Your job is to assist the bride and help her day be as carefree and special as possible. As a maid of honor, you should set the tone among the women in the bridal party. Stay cool and never out shine the bride. It truly is an honor to serve.

Best Man's responsibilities

Make absolutely, positively sure that the groom has the marriage license with him.
Receive the minister's fee from the groom (usually sealed in an envelope or thank-you card) and give it to the minister privately before or after the ceremony.

Help the groom pack for his honeymoon.

Help the groom get dressed for the ceremony.
Carry the bride's ring. If there's a ring bearer in the wedding, the Best Man is responsible to oversee the child and be sure he understands his duties.
Assist with luggage arrangements for both the bride and the groom so that everything will be ready for their departure.
Make sure travel arrangements are set and that the groom is carrying his reservations, tickets, money and travelers checks.
The Best Man will want to ride to the church with the groom.
It is the Best Man's responsibility to make sure the ushers are together and ready before the ceremony begins. Many weddings have been delayed by ushers who are cutting up to relieve the tension they feel or are out having the last quick puff on a cigarette.
Alert ushers as to the ladies who will be wearing flowers and make sure they are not seated before receiving them.
Check all the men's boutonnieres. These should always be worn on the left lapel, stem down.
Perform any task or errand the groom or the bride's mother may request at the church.
If applicable, remind the groom to remove his gloves as the bride comes down the aisle.
Be first at the reception in order to welcome the bride and groom.
The Best Man is responsible to make the first toast to the bride and groom at the wedding reception. The Best Man is also responsible to make the first toast at the rehearsal dinner.
The Best Man should act as a host, making introductions when necessary and helping to make the guests feel welcome.
The Best Man should dance at the reception with the bride, both mothers and as many of the bridal attendants and guest as possible.
Help the groom change into his travel clothes after the reception.
Find out when the bride is ready to leave and with the maid/matron of honor, help the bride and groom depart.
Return the groom's tuxedo to the tux shop or if it belongs to the groom, be responsible for taking it to his home or the cleaners.
Order flowers for the bride and groom's room at the first stop of their honeymoon trip.
The Best Man may be asked to sign the marriage certificate. This is not only a legal document but also a beautiful keepsake for the couple. Many times, the Best Man is not aware that his signature may be required and he may be off with the guests.
Note about ring bearer: The Best Man has the responsibility of carrying the bride's wedding ring. However, many times the couple will also want to have a ring bearer. We recommend that the "real" ring be kept safe in the pocket of the Best Man. Why? Just remember the boy with stage fright who never made it down the aisle…or even better, the ring bearer who argued with the Best Man when he tried to remove the ring and then cried his eyes out when the Best Man took it away.

Duties & Responsibilities of Ushers/Groomsmen

Ushers are to assist the bridal party. As a guideline, you need one wedding usher to every 50 guests. Wedding ushers direct guests to the appropriate places, ensuring the ceremony runs smoothly. Ushers may double as groomsmen.

The groomsmen and ushers are the first to arrive, around 30-45 minutes before the wedding ceremony. An usher may stand outside the church, greeting and directing the early guests to the appropriate seating and handing out programs or service notes and boutonnières for guests.

- Groomsmen & ushers assist and take directions from the best man.
- Usher & groomsman pays for his own attire.
- Attends ceremony rehearsals.
- Helps and assists the best man

The Wedding Ceremony
- At least one usher arrives at the wedding venue before the best man and groom.
- He hands out any programs, service sheets, etc.
- Making sure everything is in place and correctly set up.
- At the ceremony, one usher waits outside giving advice.
- Directs guests to their appropriate seating at the ceremony.
- Informs the groom, the minister, and the musician when the bride is arriving.
- Stays at the back of the ceremony to direct late guests.
- May be required to slip out during the service for errands.
- Usher number 2, heads to the reception in advance to check welcome drinks and all arrangements are in place.
- Usher number 1 stays behind ensures everybody knows the way to the reception.

At the Reception
- Helps co-ordinates photographer and guests to be photographed.
- Make sure all guests have a drink and someone to talk to.
- Directs guests to cloakrooms and bathrooms.
- Ensures wedding gifts are appropriately placed.
- Ensures bride & groom's wedding car is ready and packed.
- Reminds people to take all their belongings at the end of the evening.
- Checks nothing has been forgotten or left behind.
- May receive a gift from the groom.

Seating the Guests

Ushers should be at the door waiting. As soon as people sign the guest book, step forward and offer your right arm to the lady. Ask her "Friend of the Bride or Groom?" The bride's side is on the left, and the groom's side is on the right. Lead her to her seat at a moderate pace, with her escort walking behind. If she is friends with both sides of the wedding, seat her as close to the front as possible. If a group of women arrive together, offer the oldest woman your right arm and lead them to their seats. If a man arrives alone, you don't need to offer your arm, unless he needs the assistance. When you get to the seat, turn and release, facing the back of the auditorium. Stand there until all the people in that party are seated. Don't rush, take your time.
The front sections should be reserved for the immediate family, grandparents, and special friends only.
Continue to seat people until all have been seated. If anyone comes late, help them to be seated in the back of the auditorium quietly. Stay at the back of the auditorium during the ceremony.
When you get the signal that the wedding party is ready, seat the groom's parents on the front right.
Next seat the mother of the bride on the front left. After this point, no one else should be allowed to be seated until after the bride has entered (unless you can quietly, unobtrusively sneak them in on the side).

After the Ceremony

The wedding party will exit (the minister will be last). Next two ushers should walk together up to the front, and stop immediately in front of where the parents of the bride and groom are seated. They should both turn toward the outside of the building and face toward the back. The usher beside the bride's mother should extend his arm to her, and escort her out.
After the bride's mother has gone a suitable distance (at least half of the length of the aisle), the remaining usher should extend his arm to the groom's mother, then escort the groom's parents out.
Both ushers should now return together to the front and usher out the grandparents in the same way the parents were escorted out.
Both ushers should return again to the front, one should escort the remaining grandparents out. The other usher should remain there, dismissing one row of people at a time, beginning at the front.
After everyone has left, the ushers should take care of any candles or equipment that needs looked after, etc.

Corsages & Boutonnieres

The bride and groom often acknowledge those closest to them by giving the men boutonnieres and the women corsages to wear to the festivities. Although there are no defined rules as to whom the couple must give these flowers to, most follow a similar practice.

Who Gets Boutonnieres
Boutonnieres are typically worn by the Groom and both the bride and groom's fathers, stepfathers, and grandfathers, the ushers & groomsmen, the ring bearer, and any male participating in the wedding who is not being paid for his services. Other male immediate family members who are not in the wedding (brothers, uncles, etc) are also often given a boutonniere to wear. Do not give one to a man in full military dress. Sometimes a boutonniere is provided for the minister (but not if he wears a robe) or musicians.

The groom's boutonniere usually stands out from the rest, by having a flower matching the bride's bouquet in it. Most couples find it easiest to make the rest of the boutonnieres match. The traditional color for wedding boutonniere flowers is white, but there is no wrong flower or color to use for it. It is worn on the left lapel, step down, over the lapel buttonhole.

Who Gets Corsages
Corsages are typically worn by the bride and groom's mothers, step-mothers, and grandmothers. They can also be given to any female guest of distinction, such as sister, aunt, daughter, or a dear friend who is not in the wedding party. Occasionally, they are given to wedding musicians.

The mothers and stepmothers of the bride and groom usually have matching corsages that are different from the rest.

THE DREADED RECEPTION SEATING PLAN

Don't seat battling relatives together.
So that everyone has a good time, seat teens together, aunts and uncles together, etc. Try seating groups either by their relationship to you or by their ages.
As for the head table, the rule has changed so often that there isn't a rule anymore. The bride & groom can sit at a raised table with your wedding party below you. You can have your own table with a table on either side of you with your wedding party. You can be in the middle of a long table with men on one side and women on the other, or boy, girl, boy, girl. Parents and grandparents at the table or not, it's up to you.
Stick to table numbers. Famous couples, places you've been, etc., are hard to see from across the room. Guests complain when they have to search for their tables.
Reserved tables are all you need. Why put yourself through the extra work of having a reserved chair for each guest?
It's a good idea to have a "Reserved" card at the parents seats. They are the only ones that need preferred seating.